Peace in the midst of unknown
Updated: Mar 17, 2020
On this day last year, Thrusday 21 Feb 2019 Did not manage to sleep much last night. Partly due to the nurses having to take vitals every 2 hours, partly due to just not sleeping on my bed, in my room. The light was coming in from outside, it was bothering me. I guess it is not the light or the nurses, but the fact of the unknown. What is going to happen to me? The doctors did not say much. Morning came. A whirlwind of doctors came and went. The respiratory doctors a few of them had me breathe in and out numerous time, to which each time they said my lungs were clear. Asked me many questions about where I had been (contact tracing I guess), what did I work as.. Etc. I told the story of how I got to the polyclinic many times to many doctors. A team of dermatologists came to see me because I had eczema all over my back and dandruff on my head. I remember being quite unkind to the dermatologists saying to them “why are you here looking at my dandruff, I don’t know whether I will die or not. Thanks, at least I will die beautiful”. I’m like the dandruff is the least of my problems now. By this time, my mother already knew I was in hospital. Thank God I was not in a panic mode and I could hold myself enough to talk to her. God gave me a sense of calm and peace despite this very sudden upheaval. I so did not want to worry my mum. How can I, still at this age let my mother worry for me. I told her all is well, I went for a CT scan.. Waiting for the scan results. Nothing much to worry about. My mum always worried for us. A typical chinese mum whose love language is acts of service. She loved to cook for us. She was worried if had food to eat, did i eat breakfast. She told me she would come and visit me soon. As I was in the isolation ward, only 4 visitors were allowed each time. All had to wear a N95 mask to enter the room. By this time, my husband and mother where here. I was most concerned about my children. My babies. Their mummy suddenly disappeared without any warning. What did they think, how did they sleep. I was still breastfeeding my youngest baby to the day I went to hospital. How did she cope without me around? Did my mum have a difficult time putting her to sleep. They must all be burdened by my sudden hospitalization. I have no idea when I can go home. The doctors seem to ask many questions, but not tell me anything. The doctors then came to tell me about the CT scan. They were using the term ‘a signifacant mass’. SIGNIFICANT MASS. No doctor will ever say that any mass is SIGNIFICANT. They ordered that I do a biopsy and scheduled for next Monday. But, by God’s grace, a biopsy slot opened up for Friday morning. 1st slot. Biopsy. Tell you more tomorrow.